By Xenia S. Estrella
Have you ever felt so helpless and yet so brave at the same time?
We all have stories that happen for us (not to us) so we can draw strength from these and move on to become better versions of ourselves each time. In this first article, I’d like to introduce myself to you, by sharing the most pivotal experience in my life, which completely shifted my points of view and belief system, and ultimately molded me into the kind of person that I am today. I hope to resonate with even one person out there who needs to know that you are enough; life is what you make of it; and, that your unfortunate experiences naturally hurt, but these do not, in any way, have to define who you are.
I was 17 years old when I woke up at the Makati Medical Center with a bonnet on my head. Apparently, I had been in the hospital for 2 weeks already. I wasn’t surprised. I’d been hospitalized 2 times before (this was my 3rd consecutive year in the same hospital!). What was surprising was the bonnet on my head, because it wasn’t a part of either of my previous hospitalizations.
I hemorrhaged at 15, 16 and 17 years old because of a congenital brain deformity called Arteriovenous Malformation, which at that time was still inoperable. At 15 and 16, I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, 2 weeks at home, then went back to school as if nothing happened (except my face was bloated because of steroids that I had to take). At 17 years old, I hemorrhaged again. This time though, the bleeding was quite massive that the doctors had to perform brain surgery on me. I woke up completely paralyzed on my left side after 3 days of being in a coma. Thus, the bonnet. My hair had to be shaven off to prepare for the surgery. Incidentally, I hold deep gratitude to the person who knew to leave a clump of long hair at the bottom of my head, near my nape, so I could have this to hold on to — and not be too “in shock” that I was missing hair — when I woke up and actually felt for my locks.
Needless to say, I felt so alone when at 17 years old I was basically forced to leave formal schooling so I could consistently exercise for 3 hours every single day for 5 years, as I re-learned how to move. Thanks to mostly my mom’s invariably strong will and good examples, though, that feeling of being alone did not really last. I was always made very aware of my worth. So, even when I was at my lowest points, my determination to live a full, happy life was intact. I mean, I wasn’t a super woman. I had my fair share of comparing myself to others and longing for opportunities other people had. I sobbed a lot… no, wailed a lot, actually. But no obstacle was too big for me to not eventually handle. So, despite anxiety, I exercised; I studied well; read books; I sang. In the beginning, I sang until my weak singing muscles got strong enough to walk its way to joining a choir in church to praise the Lord for His awesome kindness.
When I started working I received my blessings with open arms and I didn’t (much) complain about bumps (ok, I did. But, hey, I’m only human). I took necessary detours that brought me away from what I thought I had wanted for myself, where I found gifts abounding in the end.
Today, I have a beautiful 11-year-old daughter whose mere laughter can serve as the highlight of my day. I could be so sad, cause her dad is not with us (that’s, maybe, a story for another day), but now I have my friends and the kindest man backing me up. My wonderful family is still here, too, loving me despite days when we may feel like leaving each other behind!
Life is not perfect, but it is beautiful. Believe this to be true.
Visit my website at https://xeniae.com
